Met In The Surrender

I’ve been craving a softer life, one that leads to my most authentic self, not one that forces me into shape. Earlier this year, I imagined what it would feel like to live a life of joy, a life meant for me. If I were to let go of structure and allow what is meant to be be, where could it take me, and what could that look like for me? I became aware of what I had been doing, which wasn't fulfilling me; I found it was hindering who I was meant to become.

So, choosing something unconventional and foreign felt right. Still, I have to admit that choosing softness and surrender is a hard practice to hold onto, especially when its image is like a ghost and instinct says to tighten up.

Lately, these moments have found me when I am at my weakest, making me more vulnerable to falling back into old ways and trying to convince me that immediate action is required to get through, and that the unknown is too risky.

But the beauty in choosing this practice is the reassurance that finds me, the soul-satisfying feeling that shows up when I lose grip on faith and something greater whispers, 'I see you and I got you.'

There is something about weakness that makes fear louder.

Weakness can appear in moments you would never expect. In this moment, weakness came in the form of a fever.

One evening, I did what I usually do: I took a nice, relaxing hot bath. I typically like to take a hot soak and let what needs to reach me find me. It's part of my ritual that helps me stay on track. Well, after I lay on top of my blankets and finished my relaxing time with my soul, I fell asleep with only a throw blanket, while forgetting I had three sources of air circulating towards me.

I woke with chills, but still asleep, I just thought I was cold and rearranged the light blanket, then went back to sleep.

I didn’t know it then, but that night marked the beginning of something deeper unraveling within me.

The last thing I would have expected was to awaken with a weakened immune system, having dismantled the very thing I was strengthening within myself.

Spending endless, defenseless days and hours lying in bed brought my stress to the surface, making me feel I needed control to fix the situations unfolding in my life.

The vulnerability in my stillness was causing my mind to enter a toxic rabbit hole that my nervous system couldn't fight off, due to my body's low energy. My body was trying to heal me; unfortunately, it didn’t have the energy to save me from my thoughts, either.

I could feel the anxiety and fear start to take over my aching body. I knew it was the illness that was causing this chaos in my mind, but it was also true. It was my reality; it was the very thing that was going on in my life. It wasn’t lying to me. So, I had to find a way to make it easier and take away this unsettling feeling.  However, the trick is that I will never have control over the outcome, and there was especially nothing I could do in my state. Recognizing the pressure I was putting on myself and the state my body was in, I took a deep breath and returned to my practices of softness and surrender.

Since adopting a softness and surrender lifestyle, I find I don’t stay in these dips for long. I was down for about two days before I started to feel like myself again, and although my body was weak, i still had the determination to pull myself out of this funk as soon as I could. It was around day three or four that I remembered seeing the cover art for the podcast episode before I got sick. This podcast sparked interest, but only because of its familiarity, not because the title offered any insight into how I was feeling.

The podcast host was one of my favorite wellness people on earth; I would love to be in her presence, and the guest was someone I had met once. She was a friend's sister. I knew she was an actress, but I was curious to see how the two of them had met. Coming across this podcast episode triggered a deeper sense of synchronicity for me, so I hadn’t planned to listen right away. At least not in this moment; My spirit had been drained from the sickness. I needed something to pick me up, but I couldn’t ignore it. Something about it was calling me to listen, so I did.

Almost immediately, I started to feel seen.

Thoughts were being confirmed, questions were being answered. It was as if this episode was put together for me at this particular moment in my life.

Tailored to comfort every thought, every uncertainty, and to remind me that my co-creator is still creating alongside me.

Listening to her share her journey and wisdom was her telling mine in that exact moment, with a style and language that felt like she had been in my head.

Watching how we all shared the same truth was refreshing, and it gave my spirit what it needed to thrive. It reminded me I already know what comes next. To always allow my intuition to guide me, and to know that “G” is proud of me for doing so. But most of all, I was proud of myself for trusting in the invisible and making it my own clear vision.

This episode had layers of personal conflicts that I had been longing to have explained, and it spoke to many of my unspoken truths, private moments, and practices I had been experiencing. The ways I’ve been trying to live by showed up in their voices. G used their voices to articulate precisely what I needed to hear.

He showed up in a way he knew his nudges would be seen.

Everything about how this was orchestrated said alignment. The way it was put together, the test, the timing, and the personal connections were too well-aligned to be a coincidence.

This was telling me or rewarding me with the secret of life that we often hear about, but until we experience it for ourselves, we never truly grasp its meaning. The version I heard went like this: “This is your path; you found it even while walking it blindly. You Found IT! The things you have done to get here, keep doing it, because your desires and wants are coming sooner than you think. Here is where they will find you.”

Sometimes we don't know if what we are doing is right, but if we are paying attention to the unexpected, the confirmation will follow in ways that will surprise us.

Softness and Surrender are my reminders of ghostly trust and of how my creativity will reveal itself as it's meant to, allowing me to operate as my highest self.

For so long, I looked to people for guidance, hoping they could provide the direction and answers that would help me make sense of the longing I carried.

But what I found never quite satisfied the ache inside me. No matter how good it was, their advice always fell just short of what I was chasing.

I heard a quote by Lauren London thats embedded in my soul.

“I just don’t want to miss my mark. Whatever God has for me to do on this earth in the realest way, I do not want to miss that mark. I just want to do that every day.”

That line has stayed with me because it sums up what my life pursuit has been about. I’ve always known I was created for something greater. I’ve seen glimpses of the vision. But chasing it with only fragments of clarity and a quarter of the context, I felt like I had to force my own alignment.

Until moments like this.

Moments where God interrupts the noise, and I can’t help but stop and recognize him. When these moments happen, all I can do is smile and receive the love he is pouring on me.

So this is my thank you.

Thank you, God, for finding me in the fog. For sending reminders in the form of voices I admire, in podcasts I almost skipped, in chills and stillness,s and whispered nudges I couldn’t ignore.

Thank you for always showing me I don’t have to grip so tightly.

Because now I am Jonesing over the abundance of the unseeable future!

Thank you for showing me that my potential and creativity are limitless 

I don’t want to miss my mark either.

So, thank you for meeting me in the surrender.